June 28, 2012

My Humps! (Check it out!): Guest Signage Thursday

To the tune of "My Humps" by the Black Eyed Peas, of course...

What you gon' do with all that junk?
All that junk inside your trunk?
I'ma make, make, make, make, it thump,
Make it kla-thunk off my hump.
My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump,
My hump, my hump, my hump, my traffic calming lumps (Check it out)

You drive by way too crazy,
You do it on the daily,
Speeding fees are pricely,
But still you go 'bout twicely.
As fast as you should go so,
I'm gonna make you slow, slow,
Steven, don't be speedin'
Cause these humps will have you weavin', wide
Brother I ain't askin,
You say you wanna go fast ‘nd,
Seven-ty, BOOM collision,
I say no, but you keep livin'
So I keep on makin'
Your *ss keep on breakin'
You can keep on speedin'
I'll keep that trunk junk heaven'.

My hump (hump), my hump, my hump, my hump (hump)
You bumpin' off my hump.
My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump (hump)
My humps, it's got you

It's got me swervin' 
(Oh) Swervin' all your cars around me, and slowin' down for me.

It's got me swervin' 
(Oh) Swervin' all your cars around me, around me, round me.

June 26, 2012

Box Office Success

Furthering last week's investigative report on a local theater, today we address customer complaints of difficulty locating the Box Office. 

Our investigative team went undercover to ... well ... investigate. Lets see what they found. (Apologies for the fuzzy images. Surreptitious photography is a messy business.)

Upon entering the first floor lobby, we're greeted with a straightforward directive:

In the elevator, all signs point to a united front:

We accidentally exit  on the 3rd floor and are greeted by this overly-excited sign:

What luck! There is a box office. 
But it's closed. 
We continue upward. On the 4th floor, we are again greeted by signage:

Well, we were looking for the Fantasticks, but beggars can't be choosers. 
We turn the corner:

Not another 30 ft. passes before:

We head to the bar; hearts pounding:

As promised, a left turn. What could be next:

For the first time "window" is invoked. We must be closing in:

An sure enough, we are. At last! The Box O....

Yes, it is the only place in the entire building where the sign reading "Box Office" is obscured from view.

June 24, 2012

Odd Jobs: Low Expectations

Apparently, someone is unclear on the concept of "minimum." Or "preferred." I really can't tell.

And what are "intermediate-level word processing, spreadsheet, and database applications"? I understand "intermediate...skills," but is the former in reference to Microsoft Works or Notepad? Maybe a potshot at Apple's Pages?

As expected, good writing and proofreading skills are preferred.

Still, it's a nice change of pace to see all the "intermediate" skill requirements after a long day of wading though "superior," "excellent" and other demanding job descriptions.

June 19, 2012

The Negative Valuation of Water (Thoughtless Food Series)

An establishment I frequent recently made the jump from "beer and wine only" to hard liquor. And it appears that they partook in said hard liquor when writing up the menu.

Company policy is to measure out at least one shot per drink, so the $11 price tag on shots compared to the $10 "Scotch & Water" can mean only one thing: water has a negative valuation.

Taking this idea to its logical conclusion, I now have every faucet in my apartment running full tilt, 24/7. I'll be able to cover rent in no time.

June 17, 2012

Odd Jobs: Burying the Lede

I'm all for creative job descriptions, but when you're including the world's fourth most stressful job as just a part of the position, I want that information up front. On the other hand, it definitely makes the "driver" aspect of the job seem easy as pie.

Just for the record, I don't think experience with Google docs is going to prepare me for the heart-health threatening whirlwind of tasks this job is sure to entail.

June 12, 2012

Neighborhood Watch


So goes the common refrain: 

“I’d love to move to Harlem, but the prices are just too effing high!”

Well, fret no more. Coming to your rescue is the ever-present drug store-cum-fast food restaurant New Yorkers know and...well...shop at from time to time. 

Now before you get too cynical, keep in mind that prior to this DR, you had to go two blocks to find another DR. Well, okay, a block and a half, but still - one was an avenue block. Well, not a real avenue block since it was uptown, but… 

Oh, forget it. 

Low prices. Less walking. Be grateful.  

Because the one thing that Harlem lacks is stores located on the corner of a block specializing in low-cost convenience items.

June 10, 2012

Odd Jobs: Attention to Detail!

This week we kickoff a new Sunday feature: 

“Odd Jobs” -- a series of ironic, intriguing, and downright strange postings I’ve come across in my search for employment (scroll down for my editorializing).

Today’s offering, from Juilliard, is a simple spelling mistake, which could easily be forgiven if it were not for the required qualification: “Detailed Oriented.” 

I had half a mind to Photoshop the posting and send in an edited version as my application.

Oh well, at least it shows that they’re aware of their deficiencies. It takes strength to so openly admit one’s flaws. 

June 5, 2012

Truth in Advertising: Thoughtless Food Series, Part II

As you may know, I’m into healthy eating. I tend toward salads and lean protein, and I’m downright un-American in my avoidance of high-fructose corn syrup.

So you can imagine my joy when I found out that Rite Aid is seeing mayor Bloomberg's suggested soda ban and raising him a pointless display of words by offering a full line of Fat, Sodium, Gluten, and even Wheat free treats. 

But there's more to this story. (Hint: the payoff is in the Caramel Creams)

June 3, 2012

Guest Signage Sunday! "It Runs in the Family"

In keeping with this week's Chinese takeout theme, comes an offering from the inspiration for my attention to odd signs, my mom.

Two possible explanations for the patheticism* of her local Chinese takeout's bags come to mind:

1. They want to stress that they only offer a certain level of customer service:

"We're not angry at you for shopping here. We might even have somewhat enjoyed our interaction. But wcan't claim to reach Walmart-esque, Prozac-induced excitement about your patronage or the rest of your day.

Have a great one, if you like. Or a rotten one, it that better fits your mood. It's really all the same to us."

2. Or as my always optimistic mother opined"

"There's obviously an effort being made, but apparently it would cost too much to get the full smile."

Thanks for reading and have a _________ day.

*Coined, Nicholas Fernandez, 2001.